Whenever people ask about my life, my issues, what’s going on, I always wonder where to start. My problems began just about the moment I was born–but that sounds too dramatic, right?
Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed by medical issues and psychological problems. See, when I was a kid–and I’m choosing to remain anonymous on this blog for a reason–my siblings were both diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. My eldest sibling and I had little conflict, but our other, middle, sister was (and still is) extremely delusional, and targeted a lot of violence towards me. Birthdays, especially, are a terrible reminder of things I’ve endured. From boiling water poured on me and my mother while we slept when I was too young to process what really happened, to strangling me to the brink of consciousness when she saw me with an article of clothing that she saw as “hers”, to severing a tendon in my ankle the week before my Junior Olympics swim meet; the list goes on. I grew up in an abusive situation, and I still deal with the repercussions of that.
I didn’t think so when I was younger, but it’s becoming more evident to me now that I deal with survivor’s guilt, and now feeling like a disappointment because I was the one who was supposed to get out of the crab pot and do something with her life. Every action I take, every decision I make, I do so with the thought in my mind that I’m atoning for something. That I did something so wrong, so vile, that I have to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it. I haven’t done anything, see, except maybe I was a bit of an asshole in high school (but isn’t everyone?).
The biggest things impacting my life right now are my numerous physical ailments and disabilities. [Here’s a quick list of the ones that affect me the most: positional orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), ankylosing spondylitis, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS), chiari (brain stem) malformation, Crohn’s disease, dysautonomia, and various associated problems.] I’m going to be extremely honest since I anticipate I and a few friends, maybe, will be the only ones seeing these posts. I’m sad as fuck right now. I would prefer to be dead.
Why am I so goddamn sad right now? Strap in, folks, because it’s not anything I’ve previously mentioned.
I worked myself so hard in high school that I was hospitalized after senior year ended–due to Crohn’s, sure, but I had been bleeding internally for over a year, at least, before they realized what was wrong. I was a Varsity swimmer Freshman and Sophomore year, I participated in Speech & Debate tournaments, I was copy editor of the school newspaper, I was in the YMCA’s Youth & Government for three years and was Vice President of our delegation my senior year, I started and ran multiple small “businesses” (an Etsy shop and a pet care-taking service); I did all of this for 4 years, thinking it would be my ticket out, thinking that college applications were the be-all end-all. I got into my dream schools, too–UC Berkeley, UCR, UCSC, Cal Poly-San Luis Obispo, Washington State, Western Washington University, Seattle University. Seattle U was my pick, and I made my home there for about a month before I came down with pneumonia and had to pack up my things to come back home, because it was only going to get worse.
I cried on the plane ride home, I knew it was over. The idea at the time was that I would go back for spring quarter, but that never happened. It’s been a year now since that spring quarter, and I had to completely drop my registration with SU. I loved Seattle, I loved my school, I was incredibly happy for about 3 weeks before I got sick. Having been there, felt happiness, makes everything hurt so much more.
People try to tell me that I’m young, I have time to get better and start my life, and to that I ask, how much time do I really have? Literally, the Earth is dying. Surely not enough, not enough for me to get better, not enough for me to catch up, not enough for me to start and live a life.
I feel so detached from who I was. Someone told me that I should feel grief, loss, because I did lose someone. Which is true, I can’t even go by the same name anymore, it doesn’t feel right. I also feel alone. These problems seem so unique, I am trying desperately to keep a grip on my existing friendships, and not feel so alienated, but how many people have their entire world, and future, shattered, six months before their 18th birthday?
So, here we are. I’m talking into what will probably be the abyss, because I wouldn’t dare burden my friends with these problems.
I'm Sad 