Feelings of inadequacy are always present, personally. Sometimes, though, a strong wave comes without warning and I drown beneath the waves.

I’m never the best at anything. I want to be, was raised with the idea that my goal should be to be the best at whatever I’m doing. I do too much, though, I spread myself too thin trying to be the best at everything, and even if I *am* in the top 10, or whatever kind of measurement is used, it’s not good enough. I’m not good enough. Of course, with chronic illness, it’s hard to be the best at anything. It’s hard to do anything. I stopped trying to measure myself a while ago, but not because I’ve made emotional progress, instead because I feel that the things I do aren’t even worthy of being judged.

I am a leader in an online community, but it’s centered around video games, and I don’t know how to measure myself. I could base it off of the group’s success, or how well people get along, or how comfortable people feel in the community. I am a healer in competitive video games. Internationally ranked, sort of. Ranking is split by a lot of factors. I just want to be someone that people want to have around, really. Maybe I’d like to cut myself off completely. I’m not really sure.

A lot of that, I think, is because I already feel left behind in life. I’m 19, my high school classmates are sophomores and juniors in college, and I couldn’t even make it past 4 weeks before I had to drop out. Who doesn’t want to be wanted, though? I just don’t feel worthy of that, and I’m not sure why.